by Eddie Morin | October 4, 2016 12:07 pm
Hey folks, here we are again at your favorite quarterly vintage soda review feature. This time I’m going to take a look at Ski Soda. Or I should say WE are going to take a look at Ski Soda. I need to remember that other people are around me and this isn’t just an inward look at my own self-discovery. Yes, we are all here together. But to be honest, I’m the wealthy explorer and you are just the Sherpa tasked with carrying all my survival gear up this mountain. But let’s just pretend we are equals in this adventure. Yeah, that’s nice.
Usually I start these articles with a bit of a format I follow, but I just bought a PlayStation 4 on Tuesday and can’t peel myself away from it. I tried to be responsible and put the customised PS4 controller down and rejoin real life, but I am a weak person with hardly any self-control. This is where Ski Soda comes in. It’s a green soda and they have started to really clump together in my view of sodas recently. There are brown sodas, red sodas and green sodas. You usually know what you’re getting into just by the color. Did Ski Soda surprise me? No it did not. It tastes like green. But hey, green sodas are some of my favorites so that’s okay.
Ski Soda is a crisp, summer drink with an equal mixture of lemon and orange flavors and what seems like a hefty portion of caffeine. I say that because as I consume them (I’m on number three right now), I find myself getting jittery and enjoying my video game more. In an attempt to show some level of self-direction, I turned off my PS4 and headed to the other side of my basement and turned on my all-time favorite arcade game, Espgaluda. In it you are a tiny butterfly/fairy man-woman combo where you must dodge an onslaught of tiny bullets while firing back and taking down the bad dudes. It is a real twitchy game that suits my personality and I figured could only be enhanced by Ski Soda. Oh, I forgot to mention that Ski Soda has a lady water skiing on the label and resembles a week-at-the-lake-vacation type vibe. She is not a professional skier. She is still able to lose herself in her activity much as I am able to lose myself in Espgaluda. Did the extra twitchiness help my gameplay, you are probably wondering?
No, no it did not. I found myself over-steering and smashing into bullets in an effort to traverse the battlefield more quickly. It was frustrating, really. I’m really good at this game. I’m horrible at almost everything important, but with Espgaluda (or simply “Galuda” as it’s called in the biz) I am good. Ski Soda is not a performance enhancing drug. I’m glad nobody from the shmup.com[1] forum was here to see this. The shmup forum is a place where dudes like me hang out to talk about “shoot ‘em up” games and to feel important. Shmup is short for shoot ‘em up. We are super elitist and snobby. Whoa, jeez, I’m getting off the rails here. I better get this thing back on track.
I turned off the arcade machine and sat back down in front of the PlayStation. I lead a very active life in which changing video games is, in fact, a new activity. Why did I think I could fight back? Even though I promised myself I would skip it, all the guys at work talked me into buying this game called Far Cry 4 for my new console. Parts of it sounded amazing, but it is in the first person perspective and I have a difficult time with that. To me, it isn’t really first person unless I have peripheral vision, which until I get a VR setup is impossible. But again, I am weak and bought it and here we go. I’m on Ski Soda number six at this point. I’m trying to catch up to my buddies, Ross and Dan, on Far Cry so I’m pushing it pretty hard. I’m fighting in some civil war in India where it seems like all parties involved are morons. You get to hunt badgers and stuff though and ride around in little one-man helicopters so that’s pretty good. I wonder if the lady on the Ski Soda label would still be water skiing if she had a PS4. Probably. She probably still likes to go outside. I, however, have no interest in skiing, but I’ll drink the soda. It’s pretty good. I’m real shaky. I’ve read that every culture has its acceptable drugs, and in America it is caffeine, nicotine and alcohol. Get outta here you crack heads! I’m so much better than you because I’m abusing an acceptable drug!
Did I tell you that you can ride elephants in Far Cry and smash through cars and enemies and stuff? That’s pretty fun. I think Ski Soda and Far Cry pair nicely. I like exploring the wilderness in this game because there are no bugs and it isn’t sticky on my skin, unless I spill the soda. But I don’t do that; I’m a careful boy. There are about forty different guns you can acquire in Far Cry which is confusing to me. Are people really that interested in guns? Yes they are. I better have another Ski Soda.
I like how the label doesn’t really tell you anything about the flavor. It comes from a simpler time when consumers just tried stuff and had more guts. Just try it. Some guy named Byron Clarson invented Ski Soda in 1956. I don’t have time to figure out if he’s still alive, but someone surely owns Ski Soda. You should probably buy one or two to pretend that you are a fan of the “little guy.” You can buy them at B & G Tasty Foods which is where I work. If you come in and can find me, we can talk about soda, or even better, we can talk about video games. Or whatever really, I just like to talk. I got in trouble a lot as a kid for talking in school too much. It hasn’t gotten any better. Do people really change?
I’m still drinking Ski Soda. Number seven for me, and this will probably be the last one. I’m getting pretty fat, but I owe it to you, the fans, to drink these sodas and report back. My official report? Okay, sure whatever. Bottle appearance: 4 out of 5 because it’s pretty fun looking and who doesn’t want to think about water skiing even if you haven’t ever done it. Plus, it doesn’t tell you too much about the flavor which weeds out the cowards. Smell: 5 out of 5 because it smells really good. If you smelled it, I’m confident you would say, “Really good.” Taste: 3 out of 5 because it’s another green soda. It’ll do, for sure, but it really doesn’t break down any walls here. Jazz-Level: 5 out of 5 because I’m really jazzed up. It’s a great soda for playing video games with. I think if you drank a lot of it outside you’d feel sweaty and anxious though. Who drinks a bunch of soda outside anymore though? All that sugar intake is best consumed in your basement where nobody is there to judge you.
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