Get Your Nog On

01 Oct, 2013 by Lucas Korth

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Christmas time is here. Joyful every year; wrap up all your gifts and press booze to your lips till you disappear. Now you can’t be late, for those in-laws that you hate, you’ve led your wife astray with your jugs of cabernet, what, no church today?

Ah, Christmas. It really is a miserable time, isn’t it? The magic got sucked out of it at least a decade ago and now all that’s left is a sad, shoddily decorated shell of obligation. Oof. Nonetheless, the holidays are not all despair. As long as we, as a human race, keep inventing new and exciting ways to get drunk, there is cause for celebration. And what better way to tolerate your bizarre relatives and their wiener kids than by getting absolutely befuddled on some homemade eggnog? Sounds gross, huh? Allow me to explain utilizing some questionable “science” I found on the internet.

To begin, you will need to acquire the appropriate provisions: a dozen eggs, one cup heavy cream, a quart of whole milk, sugar, a liter of bourbon, and a healthy glug each of dark rum and cognac or brandy. Before you start it’s very important that all of your utensils and containers are ultra clean. Normally I’m in the “long hair, don’t care” camp, but we’re dealing with raw eggs, dairy and time, so maybe don’t use that Tupperware with all the crusty spaghetti in it.

Scrubbed and sanitized, we are now prepared to go to nog. First, the annoying part: separate the yolks into your mixing bowl, discarding the whites. You may save them, of course, and make egg white omelets with them, you John Cusack loving jellyfish. Whisk two cups of sugar into the yolks until well-combined, then add everything else, mixing as you go. Dump the contents into sealable containers (I’ve found that large mason jars or nice whiskey bottles with the cork tops work well) and toss it in the fridge. You could drink it now, but it will taste like Jim Beam kicked you in the face with his rugged, old leather boot.

It will behoove you to take a James Ganderpeek every couple of days and to give your nog a hearty shake to ensure that it hasn’t become a sentient being. If it is bubbling, smells like the devil’s butt, or asks you for a ride to the airport, dump it down the drain. Otherwise let it chill back there for as long as you like. After three weeks or so, the nog will begin to change. It will have taken on a pleasant golden color, and will have thickened markedly. It will notice hair growing in funny places. Most important of all, it will taste incredible. It’s ready to serve now, or if you’re the patient type you can continue to age your nog for as long as you cannot drink it. I’ve heard of people aging theirs for over a year.

But what of the salmonella? The E. coli? Think of the children! Sam Beattie, a food science professor at Iowa State University, would like you to cram it with walnuts. He says that the alcohol concentration required to kill problematic bacteria in a liquid state is actually quite low. While there haven’t been any studies done on alcohol in eggs or milk (I told you the science was questionable), the alcohol content of this recipe is more than double the concentration that Mr. Beattie spoke of. And furthermore, my digestive tract is more rickety than a timberwolf at a splintering wood convention, yet I still live and breathe, so quit worrying and love the nog.

Publisher’s Note: The author would like to acknowledge a Mr. Thomas Flaherty, as some of his dingy lyrics were the inspiration for the opening limerick. Tom is a good dude.

Lucas Korth

Lucas Korth has been writing for Food & Spirits Magazine for probably over a handful of issues. Longevity is his greatest strength. He enjoys cycling, baseball, his wife Becky and their cat, Mr. Jingles. If you'd like to tell him his articles stink in person, he can often be found at Jake's Cigars in Benson; where he is the bar manager. He is remarkably unfunny.