Issue 27

Posts From Michael Campbell

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Michael Campbell

Michael Campbell

Michael Campbell is a regular humor columnist for Food & Spirits Magazine, where his “Dumpster” essays close every issue. His first book, Are You Going To Eat That, is a collection of 60 essays released in 2009. His off-beat observations have appeared in Reader’s Digest, and he was recently named Humor Writer of The Month by the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Campbell is also a singer-songwriter known for purposeful melody and evocative storytelling in the likes of Marshall Crenshaw, Paul Simon and James Taylor. His newest album is due for release in fall 2014. michaelcampbellsongwriter.com His mom is still waiting for him to get a real job.

The Dumpster: Into Thin Air

Me at the Buffalo County Fair, 1972: “Please can I have some cotton candy?” “No.” “Pleeeeeze? Pleeeaaaauuuuzzzhhh?” As if adding syllables would help. “No.” “I’ll never ask for any…” “Fine—just to shut you up. Here’s fifty cents. Get outta here.”

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The Dumpster: Coming Uncorked

Wine experts admit that screw-top bottles are easier and faster to open. They lament that the low-rent caps protect wine better than cork does. They don’t mind that the cheapest wines use screw caps, but they hate it when the

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The Dumpster: We’re Doomed, What’s for Dinner

Global Warming. Underwear Bombers. Gluten. Life feels precarious. I’ve gone beyond worrying about where my next meal is coming from to worrying whether I’ll make it to happy hour. To console myself, I make every meal a Last Supper. Not

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The Dumpster: Something Fishy Going On

My favorite place to go for seafood was a box of Mrs. Paul’s. Fish sticks were my favorite. Throughout my life I thought I loved seafood. It turns out what I love is tartar sauce and wine vinegar. Tartar sauce

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The Dumpster: Blow Me Away

The first time I witnessed a real breakthrough in the culinary arts was when a fistful of Pop Rocks exploded in my mouth. Not as in, “exploding with flavor!”; as in, blew up. Taste the Explosion!” the packaging exclaimed. I

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The Dumpster: Condimentary

I was 27 years old when I learned that ketchup doesn’t come with a refrigerator. Every fridge I had ever met had ketchup, mustard and pickles. I never met anyone who bought ketchup. My formative years had been spent living

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The Dumpster: It’s a Wrap

I bought a 16MB Flash card for my camera. The card itself is about the size of a Cheez-It. It was packaged in a little plastic box, which was wrapped in a four-inch plastic bubble, sealed in a plastic hanger

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The Dumpster: Un-American Food

We have been invaded. The Europeans snuck in and now all our signature foods are named after their home towns. Hamburger. Frankfurter. We call the latter a hot dog, but in our hearts we know the truth. A hot dog

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The Dumpster: Loyal to the Bone

I bought a bag of Newman’s Own Organic Second Generation Premium Dog Treats. There were about as many little snacks in the bag as there were adjectives in the title. The treats were for Phooey, a Shih Tzu, who had

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The Dumpster: For Good Measure

Recipes used to be simpler: 1. Hit pigeon with rock; 2. Pull off feathers; 3. Hold over fire until inside temperature reaches . . . ow! Our ancestors learned the feather trick after some trial and error. Then came the

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